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I didn’t tell her enough?
I had another rage dream about my mom last night. In it, I raged at her for failing to protect me from my stepdad. She said I didn’t tell her enough times about what was happening to me. In the dream it hit me: she knew but because I didn’t tell her enough times she did nothing.
I have lots of rage dreams about my mom. The thing is, though, I don’t feel angry. But I know the anger is there, simmering under the surface. It bubbles up into my dreams.
I know my mom was going through her own nightmare, too, and had unresolved trauma she never dealt with. That only explains her behavior; it doesn’t excuse it. None of this “well, she did the best she could…”. No. She may have done the best she could but she still failed me.
It’s been a bit over thirty years and I still have unresolved trauma. I started working on healing myself a few years ago and I have lots of work to do. My rage dreams tell me where I need to work the most.
I can’t have this conversation with my mom because she’s never taken accountability for her actions, or inactions, rather. The best I can do is continue to work on myself and talk with my therapist.
I won’t be able to see my therapist this month as I don’t have the money for the copay. I haven’t met my deductible, yet, and $149 is currently out of my budget. There’s always next month.
That’s the thing, though. There’s always next month. I finally have an opportunity to get the therapy I need but the damned insurance deductible is getting in the way. For years, years, I put off therapy either because I had crappy insurance or no insurance. Now, I have okay insurance. But it’s going to take quite a while to meet that $5500 deductible.
I’m going to have to carefully plan my budget each month to be able to afford therapy. I need to make therapy a priority, not an option.
I have a shadow work tarot deck I haven’t used in months. I think I’ll dust it off and see what the cards say. I found that tarot deck to be quite helpful in working on my trauma.
I know shadow work is all the rage right now. But I was doing shadow work before it became popular. When therapy wasn’t an option shadow work was the next best thing.
Well, therapy isn’t an option this month so my shadow work tarot deck will have to be the next best thing.
Later this morning I need to reschedule my therapy appointment. And make an appointment for my son to see his doctor about his near daily headaches. He had a headache yesterday evening but because he can’t swallow pills he went to bed early to sleep off his headache.
Today is only Wednesday and I wish it were Friday. This is my weekend to work so Friday is my one day off until next Friday.
It’s nearly 4 a.m. and I’m wide awake. Everyone, including the cats, are asleep. This is my me time. I wish Kody were awake though. I didn’t get much quality time with him last before we went to bed. We both were tired.
I need to charge my Apple pen so I’m going to end this post here and work on some knitting. And whatever this day is to become may it give me the best possible outcome.
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5 alarm fire
The apartment building diagonally from me caught fire over an hour ago. When I say caught fire I mean the entire apartment building was ablaze. I didn’t see the fire but my neighbor did. She sent me the video she took.
I woke up at 3:24 and went into the living room. There, I was greeted by flashing red lights coming from outside. I stepped out of my apartment and saw fire personnel and fire trucks everywhere.
The building is completely ruined. It’s going to have to be demolished. It’s a complete loss.
I haven’t found anything on the news about the fire. I don’t know what caused it. I’m sure there will be something about it later today.
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Vodka cocktails and music
I finally finished the Afghan turned shawl. It’s big and comfy and warm. I can wrap myself in it easily. It does shed alpaca wool like crazy.
I’m having a lazy day at home with my son. He’s building the Empire State Building in Minecraft at half scale following a YouTube tutorial. He’s doing a fantastic job so far; the building looks good.
He’s listening to Sweet Child O’ Mine on Spotify while I’m listening to metal on Apple Music.
I took lunch to Kody earlier this morning. He’s working a twelve hour shift today and didn’t take any lunch with him. No food for twelve hours makes for an extra long day.
I go back to work tomorrow so I’m gonna take every moment to relax as much as I can today. Laundry needs done, though I’ll probably do it tomorrow morning around 5.
My lip is feeling much better since I got it pierced on Friday. It still looks a bit swollen but I can eat and talk more easily.
The cats seem to enjoy the catnip I bought them yesterday. Right now, they’re sleeping it off. It’s been quite peaceful. No yowling, no getting into things they aren’t supposed to.
It was funny. Yesterday Tamale ate so much catnip there was one point he looked at his tail like he’d never seen it before.
I’m playing music on Spotify now. My son asked me to pick a song so I picked Turn All the Lights On by T-Pain. Now it’s Busy Child by The Crystal Method. I have a CD by The Crystal Method but my car acts like it isn’t in my CD Player. I don’t know if I can play CDs on Kody’s PlayStation, though. I could just find that same album on Spotify and listen to it. I may do that.
Today seems like a good day for sipping vodka cocktails and listening to electronic music.
Today is supposed to be the warmest day we’ve had this year thus far. It’s currently 86°F and the temperature is predicted to reach 90°. It’s a hot day already.
I really like my Spotify playlist. I have music for days curated on it. It ranges across many genres though it’s mostly electronic, Industrial, and dark electro Industrial. Be My Fetish by Leæther Strip is playing. The beat is catchy.
Well, now seems like a good place to stop writing. I’m going to continue listening to music and crochet. Today is a fabulous day.
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Hi Ho, hi ho, a piercing we will go
I got my lower lip repierced yesterday. It looks good. I finally have all my piercings back I had before surgery last year.
On the drive to the piercing shop I repeatedly said to myself “I accept this pain I’m about to receive.” It helps keep my adrenaline down. Plus, I think it helps minimize the pain of the piercing.
I didn’t really feel any pain. As my lip was being pierced it stung more than it hurt. My lip is now swollen and tender. But I expected that. I can still eat and drink but I have to be more careful.
My lower lip piercing This makes 6 piercings I have now. Eventually, I may get my nostril repierced. I’ve thought about having my septum pierced but I’m not going to have that done. I know it will look good because I found a Snapchat filter a couple of years ago that made me look like I had one. It looked good on me.
I like having an alternative look. My long Mohawk, my visible tattoos, my facial piercings. I feel like the real me is shining through. At 44 I’m comfortable in my skin. And I love it.
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The simple things
What are 5 everyday things that bring you happiness?
Five everyday things that bring me happiness are spending time with my son and fiancé, crocheting, listening to music, writing, and kitty cat snuggles.
My fiancé and I work separate shifts. I get off work at 6 p.m. and he, midnight. So quality time is precious. In order to spend time together I need to get a few hours of sleep until he comes home then stay up a couple of hours until I get sleepy again.
I have insomnia so split sleep is normal. I usually wake up at 2 or 3 in the mornings, anyways. By 4 a.m. I’m usually up for the day.
My son divides half his time between me and his dad. I have him half the week. I miss him when he’s with his dad so spending time with him is important. Saturday, we’re going to a trampoline park for my niece’s birthday. But today is chilling at home. I did tell him I was taking him out to lunch to one of his favorite places. I haven’t decided if it’s Bionic Burger, a fantastic local fast food restaurant, or Shanghai, a Chinese buffet.
I like to crochet everyday. It helps me to decompress and relax. I make a lot of shawls and scarves. I gift them or place them in blessing boxes. I rarely keep what I make.
Music is life for me. It’s a huge part of my life. I listen to music when I’m feeling any emotion. It calms me. It uplifts me. It comforts me. It soothes me. I listen mostly to metal, electronic, and dark electro Industrial. I call the last one gothy techno metal.
Writing is a huge part of my life. It’s become my safe space. A place to express my emotions, my hopes, my dreams, my worries, my everyday life. I didn’t use to write. My very first blog post explains why. And starting my blog was a big “fuck you” to all who violated my privacy when I did write in journals.
I have three high attention cats. They’re all sweethearts though. They’re super affectionate. Whenever I sleep I usually wake up to Jinx laying on top of me and Sylvester or Tamale laying at my feet. Jinx will cuddle me any chance she gets. She also likes to groom me. Sylvester is my bathroom snuggler. He likes to be in the bathroom with me and to be held right after I’m done with my shower. Tamale is Mr. Jealous. He cannot abide the other two cats getting attention.
I like the simple things in life. My life used to be chaotic and filled with drama. It’s not anymore. And I love it. It truly is the simple things in life that brings me joy and happiness.
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I heart music
I’m back to listening to dark electro Industrial music aka gothy techno metal. I started with Preemptive Strike 0.1 and their song Hubris. I like that group but they disbanded several years ago. Their song titles caught my interest. Mutant Battalions, Robotic Disintegrator, Lethal Defence Systems to name a few.
I first came across them on Spotify when I was searching for more music by Lamia, the dark electro Industrial duo, not the metal band of the same name. I really liked Lamia’s Dark Angel album. Der Damon was my favorite song off of that album.
While I was searching for music I saw that Lamia was featured in Island of the Undead by Preemptive Strike 0.1. I gave it a listen and immediately loved it. So I listened to more of Preemptive Strikes music. And absolutely loved it. I still do.
Dark electro Industrial is my go to genre. It’s comforting. It’s uplifting. It’s relaxing. To me, anyways.
I didn’t grow up listening to this music. I found it in my late thirties. I already liked electronic music and metal and dark electro Industrial is a perfect fusion.
Music is a big part of my life. It is life for me. It’s funny, for as much as I love music I don’t listen to the radio in my car. Mostly because I don’t like what’s played on the radio. I sometimes wish I had satellite radio so that I could listen to the music I like. My car is old enough that it doesn’t have Bluetooth. I can’t connect my phone and listen to music that way, either. The best I can do is listen to music on my headphones in the car.
I have a wonderful pair of over the ear headphones I like. They put out good sound. I, also, have a Bluetooth poop emoji speaker that puts out fantastic sound. It’s the best portable Bluetooth speaker I’ve owned.
I don’t have iPods. I don’t want to spend the money on them as I have headphones and a pair of earbuds that work very well. I like the earbuds but they don’t stay in my ears very well.
It’s rare for me not to listen to music at home. I almost always have music playing. Though last year I didn’t listen to much music at home. I don’t know why. I guess I got tired of my playlist on Spotify always playing the same songs. I have over 700 songs on that playlist. Maybe 10% played and the ones that played, on shuffle no less, were the same few songs.
Another type of music I like is creepy carnival music. The only place I can find that is on YouTube. I haven’t listened to creepy carnival music in a very long time. Perhaps I’ll give that another listen after I get home from work today. And then see if Apple Music can find similar songs.
Enough about music. I have an errand to run in a bit. I’d rather get it done early and be done with it and have the rest of the time before I leave for work to relax and get ready.
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Abnormal psychology
Describe something you learned in high school.
Something I learned in high school in my psychology class was that schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder (MPD) are not the same thing. I’ve heard the jokes before that asked if people with schizophrenia can use the car pool lane. It’s funny until you know the difference between the two disorders.
Schizophrenia is a psychotic disorder characterized by hallucinations and delusions. It’s very debilitating. And the side effects from the medications are sometimes worse than the schizophrenia itself.
Over a year ago my son had a mental health crisis. He was hearing voices telling him to do terrible things. I knew he was having intrusive thoughts but now he described the thoughts as voices.
Immediately, my first concern was getting him help. And the second concern was that he might have schizophrenia.
I took him to the hospital where he spoke to a psychiatrist. I don’t know what he said; that’s between him and the psychiatrist. She wanted to hospitalize him but that would have caused him too much stress so he was released to my care.
I think he was hearing voices but downplayed it because he got scared at being at the hospital. I’ve kept a careful watch on him ever since. He’s had intrusive thoughts since but nothing he described as voices. He’s right about the age where schizophrenia can first manifest, at least from what I’ve read previously.
Schizophrenia is not the same as multiple personality disorder. Perhaps it became confused with MPD because hearing voices is one of the symptoms. I can’t say for sure. I’m not a psychologist though I do have an Associate’s degree in psychology. I’m well aware that doesn’t make me an expert. But if my son does end up having schizophrenia you better believe I’ll become the most well knowledgeable mom regarding the disorder.
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Ups and downs. Mostly downs
Writing lately seems like so much effort. I want to write but feel I have nothing to write about. I often find myself staring at a wall, or nothing, lately. I’m fairly certain it’s depression. At least, a mild depression.
I’ve been taking both my morning and evening doses of medicine, though. I think stress is finally getting to me.
My car eats through gas faster than ever. And with the gas tank still acting up I can only put in $10, maybe $20, at a time. But it takes forever to fill.
I’m on empty right now. So empty, in fact, I don’t know how I made it to and from my son’s school this morning.
I have $.75 in my bank account right now. I have no money for gas and our groceries at home are pitiful.
I’ve been supporting three people while my fiancé has been out of work the past couple of months. He started a new job a week ago, though. But it’ll be another week before he gets his first paycheck.
The roller coaster of life is in its downward motion right now and I’m feeling it. I know things will get better soon but I wish it were now.
I have no will to do anything. I don’t want to clean. I don’t want to cook. I don’t want to do anything except stare at a wall and do nothing.
My itching is intense again. I’ve scratched painful rashes into my skin. The itching is unbearable. My dermatology appointment is two months away. That feels like forever.
Right now I want to scratch until my skin bleeds. But I’m resisting that urge. It’s hard, though. So so hard.
Sylvester has been a problem cat lately. He sprays everywhere. And he won’t leave Jinx alone. I don’t know what to do about him. I know he needs neutered but that has to wait until I have enough money saved up to have him neutered.
Life is stressful right now and I’m dealing the best I can. I just have to look on the bright side of the dark side. This won’t last forever.
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A pill twice a day keeps the mood swings at bay
Describe one positive change you have made in your life.
One positive change I have made in my life is setting up medication reminders on my iPhone through the health app. Before I set up the medication reminders I was only taking my morning doses of medication and forgetting to take my evening doses.
As someone with bipolar disorder it’s incredibly important for me to take all my medications. The meds help keep my moods stable and help prevent me from sinking into depression or soaring into mania.
What I like about the medication reminders is how detailed it gets about each medication. Not only did it want to know the name and strength of each medication, it wanted to know the shapes (tablet, capsule, etc) and colors of the medications, as well.
Now, I have medication reminders at 6 a.m. and 9 p.m. I get to log my medications as all taken and that makes me feel good. It’s like I’m checking off items on my to do list. That’s incredibly helpful to me. I like to do lists and checking off items once completed.
Overall, I’m very pleased with the medication reminders. They help keep me on track.
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Meandering thoughts
Kody and I had dinner last night with his Nama and Dapa, grandma and grandpa. We went to Old Chicago. We hadn’t seen them since Christmas so it was good to catch up.
Kody told them about his new job and I could see the passion and enthusiasm he has for it. He likes his new job. It is plain to see. His last two jobs have been just that, jobs. Something to do to pay the bills. Now, he has a job that seems to bring him to life. I like that.
Honestly, his job makes me miss law enforcement. Just a bit. Not enough to want to get back into law enforcement, mind you. But I enjoy hearing about his work day.
Work, yesterday, for me was either DEAD or BUSY. There was no in between. There was also no shortage of phone calls either. At one point, I came back from lunch to find that someone had dropped off about fifteen written prescriptions I had to input. I was at the input station all work day so that was quite a task. Luckily, they weren’t waiting in the pharmacy to have all the prescriptions filled.
It started to rain towards the end of the work day. The pharmacist was kind enough to let me leave early because my driver’s side car window was stuck in a downward position. The motor quit working several weeks ago. I made it home right before the heavy rain hit.
My itching has come back full force since I took my last dose of steroids. The itching is so intense the urge to scratch is unbearable. Scratching doesn’t help; it only seems to make the itching worse. But, oh, how I want to scratch my skin to shreds. And, unfortunately, I have. I’ve scratched rashes into two different areas of my body. The anti itch spray I’m using is ineffective. My dermatology appointment isn’t until June, though. I need to find some form of temporary relief until then.
I know itching is a form of pain so I took some pain reliever, 800 mg of ibuprofen( prescription strength), to try and stop the itching. I know pain reliever doesn’t actually stop the pain; it just tricks the brain into thinking the pain is gone. I hope it does the same with my itching. Fingers crossed.
I have a roast cooking in the crockpot again. That’s a popular meal with my family. Plus, it will keep us fed for days. I let it slow cook for 10-12 hours so by the time I get off work today at 4 the roast should be done.
It’s a bone in pork shoulder butt roast. I prefer pork roasts over beef so that’s what I buy. Kody will, of course, save the bone. It’s a nice bone.
Sticks and stones and pretty bones. That’s what goths are made of. Goth girls, anyways. Or, at least, that’s what I’m made of.
I have a unique stick I found walking around a pond. It’s bare of bark and carved with termite tunnels. I absolutely love it. And, I found a rock a long time ago that looks like a shark fin. It’s my favorite rock. I, also, have a collection of small mammal bones I was gifted from a couple of people. Plus, I have a hollowed, empty ostrich egg my dad gifted me. It’s so cool. And heavy. The shell is so thick.
Some people collect stickers. Some people collect Funko Pops. I collect bones and pretty rocks. I even have a turtle shell one of my brothers found and painted into a blue Koopa shell. It’s so awesome!
I like unique liquor bottles, as well. I have a red glass tequila liquor bottle that’s in the shape of an anatomical heart. And a rum bottle in the shape of a shrunken head. I have my eye on a skull shaped vodka bottle with 4 skull shot glasses. That’s at my nearby local liquor store but it’s $50. I’m sure I’ll buy it soon and add to my collection.
I think I shall listen to music and crochet for a while. And have a glass of milk. That sounds good. I hope whatever this day is to become may it give me the best possible outcome.
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Darkest before dawn: one woman’s journal to healing 